Hello you lovely lot! It's been a while (I know, I have a lot of explaining to do) but on a Thursday night after a long week I find myself sat on my bed with the sudden urge to write to you guys. Already I feel a sense of relief and I really can't wait to share this.
It's been a crazy couple of months. I've been ever changing, growing, smiling, connecting and loving! As always life gets busy and super chaotic, but I guess I'm writing this just to share the lessons I'm learning as the world turns everyday.
Towards the end of 2019, going into the beginning of 2020, its been an amazing period for independent growth. I feel something important we should all prioritise, is being happy by ourselves, before we come together with anyone else, or depend on another person. I've learnt how much power independence holds, and what you can achieve when you unlock the advantage of being in complete control of your emotions, boundaries and goals. I learnt that the fake people in your life seem to slowly drift away (almost like the trash took itself out lol) and damn its a good feeling.
Over the past couple of months, I fell in love with being me all over again. I truly uncovered the deep passion I have for music, poetry, writing, creativity and books. I turned the worst situations into something beautiful for myself to grow from, and I'm proud of that. There's something so liberating about discovering peace within your heart and mind and feeling so self aware of everything that you have no room for self doubt or questioning. You have no room for toxic friendships, relationships, drama or distractions...As a result of this I made the decision to pursue and put my energy into what I wanted to do, instead of listening to other peoples invalid opinions and living for everyone around me. I decided I wanted to be the women I needed when I was younger, a source of love, kindness, radiance and happiness. A lot of the time, people don't have the best interests for you, and I sure as hell wasn't gonna let anyone dim my light ever again. I was going to build this unbreakable relationship with my mind that no one could ever come between, and I'm happy to tell you I succeeded in every part of it.
One of the things I love about myself is my empathy, compassion and my sentimental outlook towards life. Yes, a lot of people see this as a negative thing, its easy to be taken advantage of when you're like this, but I think because I built my standards and boundaries so high in which the way people treat me, I don't need to worry about my emotional side. To me, it makes life so much more exquisite and wonderful, and if people do disrespect me (they know where to go)!
I feel lighter, happier, like a ray of sunshine.
I cant really explain how its possible to see your everyday life in such a magical way, because only when you're able to view it like this, is when you will know...but I'll give you a clue. Gratitude, braveness, integrity, confidence and love. Pursue these with your utmost energy, and there's nothing you cannot accomplish.
I realised you start to enjoy life a lot more when you re-connect with your inner self and feed your heart the love you would otherwise give to others. We seriously underestimate how much of a difference it can make when we listen to our bodies and minds. Treat yourself like you would treat anyone else, with respect, patience and kindness. You will notice a big difference in your mindset when you start to realise that the voice inside your head, who can sometimes be a little bit of a bully, is NOT you. I recently read a book called "The untethered soul" which goes into depth about our energy as humans and how we can disconnect ourselves from the negative connotations that happen inside of us. It opened my mind to how in control I really am of my mind, and that I can also be my own best friend. We don't always need to be against ourselves.
As I started to treat myself better, I began to smell the roses and appreciate my surroundings so much more...and I mean literally. If there's a bunch of flowers or a beautiful sunset, boy will I take advantage. Sounds pretty cliche I know, but when you begin to live in the moment and see the best in every situation, Mother Nature and the outside world truly becomes a source of happiness. I like to think of the outside as my serotonin when I'm sad or going through a phase. When I was depressed for those years, I hid in every way possible. I hid in my clothing, in my house, in the way I walked, talked and sat, so being able to feel free and open on the outside is such a huge milestone for me. It helps me to stay grateful every single minute of the day and when I feel trapped or when things are getting too heavy, I like to escape to the beach.
Everything is so surreal, beautiful and fresh on the coast...I feel like I'm away from the stresses of life, it makes me so thankful that we have access to such natural beauty on this earth. If not already, you should definitely find a place where you can appreciate and escape, whether its a beach, a rooftop, a park, we all need our alone and re-charge time. It's one of the many precious things in life.
Whilst I've spent countless hours and days focusing on my inner growth only, I've also dealt with toxic friendships and doing what I needed to do to externally to clean the people in my life who weren't contributing anything good. I think this is a crucial part to your on-going journey of self love. It's impossible to do your best whilst the people around you are draining and sucking the life out of you. Which is why I speak about setting boundaries, not letting anyone (no matter how close) treat you any less than what you deserve or feel comfortable with. You need to be so sure of yourself that you know what is and isn't unacceptable to let into your mind, no questions asked. Sometimes its hard to cut people off you've had ties with for a long time, but I think holding onto someone because of history is one of the worst things you can do for yourself. You're on this planet to make something of yourself, to live and be happy. Don't waste your short time here being taken for granted by mentally undermined people.
Over Christmas I lost 4 close friends at the same time as getting out of a relationship. No, it was not easy. No matter how much of a blessing it is to get rid of toxic people, there will be a gap in your life that you notice for a while after and there's no quick fix to mend a broken heart. I wish I could sell you something to take the pain away, to those of you who're experiencing It now. You need time and patience...Fortunately I've built enough self respect and love for myself to realise a lot of the time its their loss, and you can't control or change other peoples toxic behaviour. On the other hand you CAN control how you take it and where you go next. So I took this as an opportunity to explore which parts of me where hurting and what I could do to heal and become more aware of who I let into my space. It worked in my favour, and because of all these negative situations I have a much more positive life.
This is why I believe everything happens for a reason, and I will ALWAYS live by this quote. (If you know, you know hehe).
Of course growth is uncomfortable, losing yourself is uncomfortable, but embrace it and learn more about you during this journey. Only the best happens when you're out of your comfort zone.
Looking back, I will always be proud of how far I've come, and I think you should too. Sometimes I wonder why we're so mean and harsh to ourselves, and I believe we ought to stop every once in a while and look at all we've accomplished. When things are moving too fast, I've adopted tons of self care activities to keep in check. Journaling is definitely one, to write what I'm feeling and what the outcome is, or what I need to take responsibility, or just appreciating myself and writing 5 things I'm grateful for everyday. Trust me, that little bit of love towards yourself helps.
I think in everything that happens there Is always something good to take out of it, but whether or not you make that choice to do so is up to you. You are the one in control and you are the one who determines your happiness, never give that power to someone else. You'll begin to realise how many people you inspire just by being you...which brings me to how grateful I am for my insta fam and all the love you've shown me over the past year since I let my story out. You are beyond amazing, and you guys give me so much hope that kindness can change the world. From messages in my DM's to people stopping me in the malls to tell me how much they enjoyed my blog and stories. Your love is always noticed and never taken lightly.
I've come to the conclusion that I will never let myself break again. No one will break me, nothing will tear me or beat me down, I am my own saviour and my own best friend...and because I am so aware of my value and my worth, no one can take that away from me.
I'm not where I want to be yet, but thanks to your support I'm growing, and I won't stop until I get there. Let's change the world together one step at a time.
Much love, Umi♡