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  • Writer's pictureUmi

All the things I never said

Why do people do the things they do?


I ask myself this question quite frequently and I don’t think I will ever find the answer to it. Why do the people we pour our hearts out to feel the need to seize it between their fingers, so delicate, and annihilate it with all their force? Why do we associate things like this so commonly, with love? This isn’t love. Love is kind, and patient, and soft. People and hate and bitterness are the things that ruin love. Not the feeling itself. This is not love. This is something more complexed and deeper than it appears on the surface.


Love is marvelling at your partner whilst they sleep so peacefully and smiling because they look so precious. It is touching them at any opportunity you get, because the warmth of their skin makes your fingertips tingle. Our society has made us think it is normal for relationships to make us cry crimson and wake up the next day with our pillow still soaked from the salty tears of the night before.


Then there’s you.


I am sick to death of your coldness; it makes my stomach churn. I’m tired of your neglection and mind games. Each time you walk away unpredictably, you violently tear out a piece of my heart, and it leaves me distressed and asking, why? In a twisted way, sometimes it’s exciting. Which version will I get of you today? Will you open up your soul to me, or will you punish me with your silence for days on end? You are a ticking time bomb.


But my love, i have always adored you. At first it was nothing beyond friends, but you always had a place in my heart. Two innocent young souls who had no idea what the world was to throw at them, and the pain they would endure. You were always kind to me, you understood me, and our conversations would last for hours. It would remind me that I am not alone in this world, and I shared a deep understanding of the world, with you. We were in love, until we weren’t. We grew up and the world proved cruel. Both hearts grieving at the hands of heartbreak, loss and trauma. Both hearts working tiresome to love each other regardless of how broken they became. Until one day you stopped, and i continued to pour my soul out into the universe for you. If I could only count the amount of times I prayed for your safety and happiness. More than you ever knew, because seeing a smile on your face was worth everything.


I subjected myself to this. To you. I thought I could hold the hurt of us both, collect the wounds and catastrophe of us and repair it. With the intent of loving you to strength, I took on the weight of both our worlds on my shoulders. Although you never knew, when you weren’t happy, neither was I. But it wasn’t enough. In lots of ways, I feel like I’ve failed you. I ached to be the one who didn’t give up. Who loved you through your sorrow and misery, and gave you comfort when everything in your entity felt like it was crumbling. But oh, how I’ve learnt you cannot fix people. No matter how hard you love, how much of that person you hold in your heart, or how much you care, you cannot nurture a person’s heart back to life. You’ll only end up left with the debilitating agony of destroying your own.


The times I held you haunt me, because now I know it will only be nothing more than a distant memory, and it leaves me craving more. If I had known it was the last time I’d trace your skin so precisely with my fingertips, as if you were delicate porcelain and one wrong move would break you into tiny fragments, I would have held you tighter.


Fuck.


So, tell me why did you awaken my love, with no intention of loving me? I am a fire fuelled by gasoline, and I love ferociously. How dare you make my heart bleed so raw and hideously, then turn around and rub salt into the same wound. I love you, but I’m tired. You are addicting and exhausting all at once. I love you, but with my heart in your hands, you terrify me. You were different, and I damn knew that each time you touched me, I would give you anything.


It’s true we can die a thousand times in this life. I know because I did when you shattered my glass heart. I knew forever was a long time, but I was willing to wait, because no one else made sense.


Don’t worry though, souls don’t meet by accident.

So maybe in another life we are soulmates.


But for now,

I guess we’ve got to miss this one out


U, x

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